A list of things instead of Love ...

"The 30 things to do INSTEAD of falling back in Love"

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... and the list was sitting in my face 
Flippantly mocking my pain
It's been one year, 3 months, and 4 days 
and I'm still finding ways 
to pick the scab of you. 
and to tell you the truth ... 
This YOU is such a tricky wound.

When I think I have healed, I purposefully make myself bleed. 
Needing / to remind this "romantic me" 
that I made WILLFUL mistakes in your name. 
I'll have a HIDEOUS scar to remind me of this pain 
so that the next time some one comes in my space 
with vaguely worded innuendos of "forever"  ... 
I'll look down at my jagged healing, and know better. 

The list seemed a love letter
like all my lofty aspirations 
were patiently waitin' 
to be confidently check marked.
I set forth to weed my buried heart; 
to excavate 
and intentionally replace 
each gaping hole 
with a flowery goal. 
Slashed and burn / by a turn / of choices 
left feeling powerless 
and flowerless ... voided.
All of that sewing and none of the harvest 
while some other
mother fucker 
eats the fruit from my garden ... I'm starvin' 
and every full bellied on looker comments
"Hey! You get to start again!" ...
Pardon them,
or more properly put:  "excuse you" 

I don't intend to 
I've other things to tend to 
like a list of OTHER things to do
instead of falling back in love ... 
as for things to do, there is more than enough.
true to form - I started from the bottom up ... 

Number 1. self destruct: 
crawl into a bottle and drink myself into a stupor ... 
BECOME every reprehensible thing I blamed YOU for -
just to see how being ENTITLED TO IT feels. 
2.  Make the same mistakes OVER AND OVER and convince myself that I am truly sorry.
3. DO that same shit again. 
4. Be a shitty friend.
5. Give myself away to someone who doesn't deserve it
and bless them with ALL the love and care which was deemed worthless.
6. Be a fuckin BITCH ... and not at all apologetic 
7. become pensive, reflective, and begin to regret it ...
begin to brow beat and batter, dismiss permissive chatter 
8. stalk you on the internet  9. decide that your happiness doesn't matter
more than my empty garden. 
10. forgive myself, go back to the beginning where I started.

one year, 3 months, and 4 days departed 
Excuse me. 
I have no interest in fallin'
in love again. 

30 Things to Do Instead of Falling In Love Again