I CHOOSE MYSELF

"I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away"

A moment of truth about myself; 

I am aware that I leave. 

When I was a little girl, I didn't KNOW 

I was a little girl.
I was treated like an adult 

and adulthood was expected of me. 

Perfection was often expected, 

and in exchange for it I received something in return that felt like love. 

I was a caretaker of my sister & mother, for more reasons than one, 

and that spirit of service was often exploited by the very people who SHOULD HAVE been doing the caretaking. 

Then at the age of 14 I chose to do what was best for me, and I left. 

I chose myself ... 
and the loved ones I left behind suffered. 

My sister felt abandoned, my mother was killed, my step father ended up incarcerated and my sisters life unraveled as a result.

It's safe to say, 

when I left ...

I walked away from a mess

that maybe wasn't MINE

but certainly one I held myself accountable for. 

In the years to come, racked with the unsurmountable weight of the guilt, I kept trying to resolve the betrayal of my abandonment with hyper vigilant loyalty. 

Nailing myself to the cross of overcompensation

Continuously caretakin'

and subconsciously seeking redemption, 

and yet 

when faced with the depth 

of a drowning that that feels like death 

I STILL use my last breath 

to leave. 

 

After hundreds of hours and thousands of dollars of therapy, 

I was lead to the  empowering truth that 

Be it friends, family, lovers  

even my own mother. 

If nobody else will ... 

THEN I CHOOSE ME.