Friends Frenemies & Sisterhood (part 1)

Ok, it's honesty time.
Here's the truth about me: I'm a lousy friend. There, I said it.
I hate talking on the phone, I'm always too busy to show up to important events [like your kids birthday, a bar mitzvah, your ladies night dildo wholesales party, ET-cetera] and I generally suck at taking advice.
Scars? Yeah. I have 'em. I used to be in love with my girlfriends, but a couple betrayals ruined me on a cellular level.

I'm the female version of Paul Rudd in "I Love You Man".
My significant other has always been my best friend.
I met my ex-husband when I was 14 years old, and we were together 10 years. I then fell in love with a childhood friend and we were together for 4. And most recently I met my bashert at work and we became fast friends, then lovers - and it has remained this way for the past 6 years. That being said, I normally share all my gory details with THAT person in my life, rather than talk on the phone with a "bestie" for 45 minutes a day.

Long have I openly admired [secretly envied] female friendships in this regard. Here's what I AM good for as a friend -

Thoughtfulness  If I end up with an extra set of tickets to "that one thing" you or your kid or your man want to go see, I always find a way to get it to you. I like to send letters or Christmas cards, and I ALWAYS arrive to your  [insert title of celebration here] on time (with a gift or alcohol)  IF I am able to show up.

Red Cross In a jam? I'm your chick. I'm always good in an emergency, whether it's "I have a flat tire" or "Come be my wing man to spy on my boyfriend". You can count on me to watch your children, AND have your back in a shady situation.

Fun Factor  Let's face it, I'm a fucking blast. When taken in small, periodic doses - I am THE JAM to be around. Hilarious bafoonery and spit fire wit is bound to ensue. But here's the deal; eventually my "smart" runs out. My "depth" reveals itself as the thinly veiled series of  epiphanies I've collected from fortune cookies and Oprah magazines I've stolen from the orthodontist office while waiting for Nino to get his braces tighten. IF you hang around with me TOO consistently my brilliant and enlightened advice looses it's validity when you realize I don't live in what I recommend. How could you possibly receive "Be the change you want to see in the world" if Ghandi was too hard headed to get out of his own damn way?
But take me to a bachelorrette party, by all means, because - who else do you know that will jump up on the bar SOBER and sing Bon Jovi JUST to make you smile?